A Trio of UK Easter Telly Treats
Don’t be startled if you turn on the TV this Easter and see someone who looks a little bit like our alleged Lord and Saviour on your screen because chances are it’ll merely be Tim (unless you’re watching the story of Easter or something similar).
Tomorrow we kick off with Ruth Jones’s Easter Treat on BBC Two and BBC HD at 9pm (or Sunday on BBC One at 10:25pm if you live in Wales) on which Tim will appear alongside Dawn French and Michael Sheen. He’s written a special song for the show, which in my mind proves that he’s capable of writing a Eurovision hit (three minutes long and it has a key change; all he needs now is a part-detachable sparkly outfit!) and the BBC have put it up on YouTube early for your enjoyment!
Following that, on Easter Monday, Tim will be returning to The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 at 9:15am, where he’ll be joined by Natalie Pinkman and Dave Gorman to discuss the latest current affairs, which, Tim’s hoping won’t involve modelling Royal Wedding headwear again!
Then, on Tuesday, if you’re up bright and early, Tim will be back on the BBC Breakfast couch for another interview, charmingly answering questions, which could potentially range from ‘What have you been up to since you were last on here?’ to ‘Which hat should I wear to the Royal Wedding?’, and all while trying to mind his Ps and Qs.
Tim get your ass to Norway. or i must come to the US and kidnap you. we vikings always get what we want x’D
Tim, won’t you do me and many other vikings a favour and come to Norway? Actually, it’s not even a question. Either you come here by free will, or I and all the other viking warriors are going to come to Australia and kidnap you. You got that?
“THREE-MINUTE SONG” LYRICS:
(Say “Clock” = Start Clock)
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine”
But the problem with my particular œuvre,
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
And the wisdom here at the BBC,
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’.
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’,
And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long,
I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.
And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making
it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Remember boy that music is like love-making,
Everybody loves a penis-t, but length must have a limit…
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no pornography or politics in it,
You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”.
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.
And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous,
interllectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin
I need a little happy-clappy country song,
Nice and repetitive and not too long,
Boring enough, but not too boring,
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
I need a song that is only three minutes,
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rythmn,
Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em.
(Short instrumental)
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offence,
To flog more tickets to my concerts,
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge,
You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it,
But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes.
Yeah, apparently you’ll only watch for three…
(Audience Say “Minutes” = Stop Clock)
I’m impressed (just watched The Wright Stuff). Good to know that a comedian and musician by trade is able to make sensible points succinctly (a skill that is so rare among those who should be doing this as a profession; journalists and politicians, for example).
You know what would make me happy? Minchin on QI.
I will say it again… you brits have no idea how lucky you are. I’d love to be able to watch this on my TV instead of youtube.
Please lovely brits put this on youtube for us? Please?
Amities,
SS
Anywhere we can watch online, I don’t have sky plus, and I’ve been working non-stop! I don’t want to miss a second of TIM!
shame none of the TV shows are available in my area… so jealous of you Brits
…just 3 minutes and my day has already improved.Many thanks.
Great that we can get this online here in Canada!
A nice Easter treat ;)
Is there nothing you can’t do Mr M? Fantastic stuff. Still wanting the Matilda CD though!
Bliddy Brill!
I just spat tea on my keyboard, I love you Tim!
For China ;-) oh Mr Humphries my pussys all wet :-) – love ya guts Tim.
For China is a country…..naughty Tim!
Ha that was brilliant :O)
Sky+ all set, can’t wait for 8th may for round 2 with Tim and his orchestra xx
For China.
Loved the 3 minute song! looking forward to you brightening up the Wright Stuff and BBC Breakfast. Don’t stop! …..
Love It!
im so lookin forward to wathin that sexy man on tv :) x
how exciting? yay :) xx
yeah xx
Yay finally something i can watch :D , cant wait!
Brilliant as always xxx
Fantastic
Awesome, Mr Tim !!!
Really enjoyed the show at Glasgow SECC on Monday …. rigourmortis ejaculatum !!!
I think we all had pebbles in our Uncle Dunc after that !!!!
Wish I could make it back on May 8th. Sadly, the bigger the gig, the deeper the pockets n that !!!